Tis the season to be mean and thoroughly unjolly!
Let me cut straight to the chase: I don’t like Christmas! Why? What’s not to like about festive cheer, hot mince pies, and peace to all mankind? Everything! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favour of mince pies and peace, but I resent the tyranny of December 25th! Life is tough enough already without the forced obligation of posting Christmas cards, buying presents that not everybody will like, or eating leftover turkey meat from the Christmas day roast. It’s enough to make you weep! While I’m not quite ready to grab the nearest box of Kleenex, I will almost certainly be doing my bit to keep the Christmas tide at bay courtesy of my alternative festive reading list.
So, for all you Chrimbo sceptics out there (and I know you exist), check out my antidote to Santa Claus, red nosed reindeer, tinsel, and plum pudding.
Click on the covers to find out more about Juliette Foster’s Christmas reading list.
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
A perennial festive favourite (probably because of all the film adaptations!), Ebenezer Scrooge is a miserable, charmless miser who discovers his better self after he’s visited by the three ghosts of Christmas. Although these spectral encounters make him a nicer person, his curmudgeonly personality is actually more interesting than its saccharine replacement. Personally, I wish the ghouls had been exorcised before they could get to him!
I Hate Christmas: A Manifesto For the Modern-Day Scrooge by Daniel Blythe
For those not ashamed to embrace the spirit of Ebenezer, this book is definitely for you! It humorously dissects the absurdities around Christmas while indirectly questioning our willingness to go along with them. Do your guts heave at the thought of eating plate loads of leftover turkey meat from December 25th? Why do we put up with doorstep carol “singers” massacring the nation’s favourite Christmas hymns with their ear splitting renditions? Why do people eat Brussels Sprouts even when they hate them? Bah Humbug!
The Christmas Guest by Peter Swanson
There’s nothing like a thriller chiller to raise the hairs on the back of the neck and this book ticks all the right boxes for creeping out the reader! An American art student is invited to spend the Christmas holidays with a classmate whose family own a manor house in the Cotswolds. Starvewood Hall looks charming with its lit fires, pine boughs over the doorways, and English chocolate box quaintness, but something isn’t quite right! Maybe the first syllable in the house name is a subtle hint of the weird things to come!
Dying for Christmas by Tammy Cohen
The slug line on the front cover says it all “For some people Christmas can be Murder…” A young woman is imprisoned by an off the scale sicko who makes the insane Norman Bates look positively civilised. This dude loves giving, and what better way to do it than by presenting his captive with a gift marking the twelve days of Christmas…each one more grisly than the last! Spoiler Alert: no drummers drumming on day twelve. Be afraid, be VERY afraid!
Father Christmas Needs A Wee by Nicholas Allan
Ever found yourself busting for a pee when there isn’t a loo in sight? Then you’ll know how the man in the red suit feels when his bladder is pushed to breaking point! There’s no shortage of food and drink left out for Santa at every gift drop, but there comes a time when a call of nature must be answered. And when Santa does eventually make it home, guess what? He can’t find his door key. Oops!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Doctor Seuss
You can’t get more anti-Christmas than the Grinch! Bad tempered, mean-spirited, and anti-social (who does that remind you of?), the Grinch plots a dastardly scheme to ruin the festive joy of the townsfolk by nicking their Christmas tree and gifts. What a guy!
The Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris
Ever fancied dressing up as Santa or as one of his helpers in a festive grotto? Well, don’t! Author David Sedaris worked a stint as Crumpet the Elf in a Macy’s Department store and the miracle is that he survived it with his sanity and humour intact! The tantrum throwing kids were a stroll in the park compared to their obnoxious parents and the customers who threatened to have him sacked or murdered. Crumpet’s response? “And I’m going to have you killed!” Jingle, jingle, jingle!
